"It pays to advertise," we've all heard. If products and businesses aren't advertised, how will people know they exist?
Then again, how many people do you know who actually look at advertisements, or watch TV commercials? Can it really pay to be noticed...as a nuisance? Do you really want an image that subconsciously triggers people to reach for the remote control to get your product off the TV screen?
Some smarty-pants researchers will tell you that you do. For some audiences, it seems, shopping is mindless. The more obnoxious the TV commercial is, the more likely some people are to forget the commercial, remember the brand, and think "Hmmm...wanna try that," when they're wandering through the mall in a hung-over, Homer-Simpson-like state of consciousness. You could bottle sewage and label it sewage and at some times of day Homer would probably look at the bottle, say "Hmmm...sewage," and drink it. So in theory, if you annoy people enough with an advertisement for a box of old broken rusty nails that starts with the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard, what some shoppers have in the way of a thought process will go "Hmmm...Rusty Nails! Just what the living room shelf needs!"
Those people are not writers. They are not artists. They are not the people who spend a lot of time using the Internet for things other than games and movies.
Writers, artists, and early adopters of computer technology generally, have more completely developed brains and nervous systems than Homer Simpson has. They're the ones who either walk out of the store that sells Rusty Nails, or say to the storekeeper, "You're trying to sell old broken rusty nails that are advertised with the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard, now? What's wrong?"
A majority of us are introverts. Introverts' social behavior, when it does not consist of moving away from obnoxious extroverts, is based on showing respect. We don't run up and chatter at people because our more completely developed brains contain a set of neurons that might as well be called a conscience, which tells us that people have their own lives and running up and chattering at them is disrespectful. Other people would have no reason to like us if they perceived us as pushy pests. What does that tell you about advertisements?
And yes, we do remember it when we decide, even in grade six, to stop buying a favorite snack because we found a TV commercial that advertised it annoying.
I am not making this up. My brother and I stopped buying M&Ms, which had been our treat of choice almost every time we went to the store, during the year he was in grade six because we thought that year's TV commercial campaign was insulting to kids.
People who spend a lot of time using the Internet for things other than games and movies have other things in common besides being introverts. Most of us are, or feel that we are, underpaid, so we shop mindfully and frugally. Many of us go online from work or school rather than having Internet connections at home; at work or school making an impulse purchase online might have repercussions, so a lot of us are never going to make an impulse purchase online. Many of us read Consumer Reports and check the customer reviews before choosing to buy things that cost more than, say, a dollar. Some of us don't buy things that used to cost less and now cost more than a dollar.
Most of us are security-conscious, so forget all about "targeted advertising." It's true that people in cold climates buy more snow tires than people in the tropics do, that men don't buy a lot of bras, and that very few people whose title is "Rabbi" are going to buy pork sausages...but what you need to know is that security-conscious Internet users don't like the idea that you know which country we're in, unless we told you. Don't try to find out more information about us. The more you seem to know, the more we want to avoid you. If anything, advertising products that are not actually sold in our country gives me a pleasing sense that you're minding your own business and not meddling with mine.
Less stalking, less of an attempt to get inside our heads and manipulate our thoughts, and more of a straightforward interest in making sure people know about your product, is generally good for your image. Don't try to tell us anything like "You want this" or "You should do this." That kind of message is disrespectful. Tell us what your product is. If you can tell us what it costs, with one price for everyone, that's a plus point.
In real life, promotions that offer discounts for people in certain categories--seniors, teachers, veterans, people who are willing to tell storekeepers if it's their birthday--can work well for stores. Online, that kind of promotion is very bad. It's disrespectful to try to find out whether Internet users actually are dogs. One price for all is the only rule that looks ethical to Americans.
We trust one another more than we trust you. We think the Internet is an ideal place for messages like "Don't buy Brand X cereal--I opened a new box and a live mouse jumped out of it." Don't try to oppose this. Use it. Let people see how seriously you take quality control. That mouse in the box of cereal doesn't have to destroy the brand if you recall the batch, close the plant for cleaning, and of course apologize profusely to the customer. If you don't do those things and your brand suffers, we figure you deserve it.
The appropriate response to the street phrase "Prozac Dementia" would have been to suspend sales of Prozac until it could be made to stop causing dementia. The appropriate response to Glyphosate Awareness would have been to pull all glyphosate products off the market. The appropriate response to the "vaccines cause autism" whine would have been to address the fact that vaccine reactions may include fever, which may cause brain damage, which may include autism, and level with parents about whether diseases like measles are more likely to cause autism than the vaccines are. Trying to censor the complaints, instead, has destroyed the credibility of the entire brands of Bayer, Lilly, and Merck. Their best move would be to pay all claims against them now and then either dissolve, or maintain a very low profile for the next thirty years.
Most of us are White but we are, or like to think we are, hip enough not to mind when disproportionate numbers of advertisements feature non-White models. However, most White people know that styles that look good on a Black person probably won't do much for us. Thousands of short, average-sized blondes may have deluded themselves in 1982 that what looked good on Diana Spencer might work for them, though most of them have learned something from that mistake, but they don't think that what looks good on Nicki Minaj will work for them. Quite a few Internet aficionados are Asian, and some are Black, so there's nothing wrong with designing and marketing styles for non-White people online. Just balance inclusiveness with practicality.
Some of us honestly don't notice or care about clothes as long as they cover as much skin as is required by local law. Some of us are fashion-conscious and may, if we're not thinking about something else, do detailed analyses of what is and isn't working for the celebrity or model on the screen. No, this does not mean that we're attracted to the model. Yes, in fact, any suggestion that we're thinking about the model as anything but part of a fashion image is likely to be offensive.
Even if the primary content is a football game you can never afford to assume that the Internet audience is all male. Even those of us who are male are likely to be in heterosexual relationships. Don't tolerate content, messages, or comments that offend women.
Be cautious even about things that are controversial among different social groups of women. I am a lady, and if you can't avoid calling me in public, the least obnoxious thing to call me is "Ma'am." (I don't particularly like "Ma'am," either, and if you are a store employee "My Lord and Master the Honorable Customer" might be more appropriate, but I ignore people who blat out my name in public and I think people who call strangers by what are generally perceived as terms of endearment need to be in prison.) I don't understand why some women who are not ladies wouldn't want to be included in the category of ladies, but some women don't. So how do you address the female customers in the audience? By showing a product that females buy, of course. Words like "dresses" or "lipstick" are personal enough.
A majority of Internet users, though only a minority of people in the real world, hold political views that could be described as left-of-center. Don't mistake "majority" for "everyone." Don't signal stupidity by participating in stereotypes about "conservatives" being racists or fascists. Don't show bigotry with stereotypes about "DEI hires" being incompetent tokens, either.
A personal site or social media page that shows no political leanings whatsoever loses credibility. There may be no need to endorse candidates or parties but readers will want to know what basis you have for whatever statements you make. Individuals have personal tastes and opinions. A majority of Internet users vote Democrat but those of us who are not in the Democratic Socialists clique, even among D voters, do look for evidence that the individual is observing, thinking, writing, singing, etc., about the real world rather than partisan rhetoric. Ability to work with Rs is a good quality for a D to have. Ability to like and be amused by D extremists like Bernie Sanders and Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez is a good quality even for Rs to have, but seriously backing their bids for presidential campaigns raises questions of credibility.
A business site doesn't need to mention anything that's not directly related to business. A business can have a blog with monthly posts on topics like "How different are this year's blenders from last year's blenders?" or "How to change the ink cartridges in the Model XYZ printer," without losing credibility.
Some specific rules for Internet advertising can also be included in the category of showing respect. Here's a short list of fifteen:
1. Don't show the same ad in the same place twice. That means that, if people are logged into sites like Youtube or X, you should ask those sites to make sure they don't show the same ad to the same account twice.
2. Require political campaign ads to focus on who the candidate advertised is, what that person has done in the past, and/or what that person hopes to do if elected. Don't focus on the opposition. Advertising tends to arouse reactions on a spectrum from skeptical to hostile, at best, and if a political ad tries to show "the worst of" another candidate the effect on voters can easily be, "The worst of Candidate B looks better than the best of Candidate A." Images showing a candidate shaking someone's hand, debating with an opponent, or posing for a family picture are acceptable as long as they make it absolutely clear whom they're about. E.g., if more than one face can be seen in a photo, be sure the candidate's face is front and center.
3. Don't advertise patent remedies for anything. Don't show or discuss any part of the body in health or disease. (Yes, you can advertise shoes without mentioning feet.) Anyone stupid enough to pay for an advertisement in the genre of "This product may cause blindness, cancer, projectile vomiting even in people who have not heard this advertisement, abnormal growths in bizarre places, and sudden death in people under age . Ask your doctor today whether this product is right for YOUR seasonal allergies!" should not be talking to adults outside the family without supervision.
4. There's nothing wrong with "funny" ads where people show how clueless and confused they can be. There's nothing wrong with ads where people proclaim in authoritative tones that "This product out-performed twenty other competing products at removing stains from a white rug" or "This product contains lavender oil." There is, however, a tedious and offensive stereotype about ads where a woman plays the clueless character and a man speaks with the voice of authority. Don't use that combination.
5. Actually, considering the sensitivities of some Internet users, it's a good idea to try to avoid using images of living people in advertisements at all. You can display pictures of shirts on hangers, food on tables, cars on roads, etc., without showing a single human face. Try it! It saves the cost of paying models!
6, If you really want to attract the eye to an ad, turn off all the sound. People who are in the habit of ignoring commercial natter will look at the screen to see what's wrong. That's when they'll see your product and associate it with a feeling of relief--"Oh, it's only a quiet advertisement."
7. One advertisement among fifty social media posts is acceptable. The current formula at X, e.g., is not acceptable. For me to go back to using X regularly I'd need to see a solid majority of posts from the free accounts of private people and a minimum of posts from corporations or politicians. That includes news headlines. I used to use Twitter for the news headlines but that was before the Trusted News Initiative. I don't want to support censored news sites in any way; until the New York Times has fully repudiated TNI and run whole front-section features about why people should not use those profitable products whose manufacturers wanted censorship, I'd as soon be seen looking at porn as looking at a NYT headline.
8.. Up to two minutes of advertisement per hour of video content is acceptable, provided that the ad does not interrupt a speech or a piece of music. If the choice is between 2:01 minutes and 1:35 minutes, always go with 1:35.
9. Understand that, if you want to sell anything to Internet users, your best bet would be to discard the advertisements and pay Internet users to produce content about your products' reviews and ratings. The experience of reading those reviews and ratings in order to write an article or present a photo essay about what people who did use it liked about your product is more likely than anything else to make Internet users think thoughts like "I might find a use for a blender some day, and if I did Brand X seems to be a good brand." Sometimes it might even get your product onto an Amazon Wish List.
10. People who read other people's personal blogs will probably skip the product reviews. If they do read the product reviews, they're looking for a flippant, snarky tone, not a gush of praise that nobody's going to believe. The overall tone of a good personal product review is favorable to the product, but phrasings that show that it's an individual's thoughts NOT a Madison Avenue advertisement are also important.
Seriously. As a bookseller I've found that sparing use of certain phrases that living writers don't like to see in book reviews consistently moves books:
* "I don't like this kind of thing myself, but some people do."
* "This book has a strong enough sense of place to make me feel glad that, whatever else may be going wrong, I'm not in the place this book is written about."
* "This writer completely misunderstands (women, vegetarians, people who buy canned soup) and shouldn't have tried to write about them."
* "There is some good material in this book. All of that good material is better expressed in other books on the subject, such as __, __, and __. What is uniquely found in this book is a load of pants."
* "The funny stories in this book didn't make me laugh, but some of the serious exposition did."
Book readers will buy books, and other things, just to see which side of a difference they are on. If the product is salty garlic-flavored toothpaste, and some people say "That's a disgusting idea" and others say "That's a refreshing change from sweet mint- or cinnamon-flavored toothpaste," book readers will want to find out firsthand where they stand in this controversy. So don't be afraid to ask bloggers for honest product reviews, even if what they say about some products is "The product arrived with an important working part broken, and while it was on the porch the neighbor's dog expressed his opinion of the product in such a way that I've never actually used it as advertised, but it makes a nice $79 flowerpot."
11. The key to using individual bloggers' research pieces about product ratings is to plan on a slow steady trickle of results. Many Internet users are poor; many are "retired"; many have disabilities. We aren't going to buy sports cars. We do, however, have young relatives who might be interested in such things. We can say to them, "Well, the Gran Gasto seems to run about twice as long on average as the Depense Extreme runs before breaking down. The Molto Costoso has a lot of transmission problems," and they pass this along to their friends, and the overall result may sell a few dozen Gran Gastos. If you are planning to downgrade the Gran Gasto once you've attracted interest to the name, you are not a nice person and we'll make sure everybody knows that too. Plan on at least a five-year sales cycle for the Gran Gasto.
12. There are brands that do "sell themselves." They sell the stores that retail them. Stores in my neighborhood don't hang out signs saying "Try 'Carhartt' brand workwear"; they hang out signs saying "We have Carhartt." I suppose there might once have been ads for Carhartt but the way people my age found out about it was probably going to a job site in some cute little outfit we had worn to a few college classes, and having a senior co-worker say, while snapping the cuffs up or down on his insulated coveralls, "What you need is a Carhartt." Or they read a report from some place that had had a problem with bogus disaster relief volunteers whose real interest was access to the contents of damaged houses in a nicer neighborhood than their own, and the writer said, "If you come around here offering to help rebuild houses, and I don't see your tool kit and Carhartt..." That is the kind of "advertising" Internet users trust, ourselves, and the kind you want to let us help you build...if your product deserves it. Be honest with yourself. The only way to get the kind of free advertising Carhartt gets is to deliver the kind of product Carhartt delivers.
13. If yours is one of the brands that advertise its retailers more than vice versa, consider whether cutting advertising expenses might be more profitable than any kind of advertising. The world does not need another Coca-Cola ad jingle. Most people can sing two or three different ones already. Coca-Cola might benefit from more sales, and at this point the way it could get them would be to stop advertising and cut the price of a 2L bottle back to 89 cents. What we all learned from the "make soda pop controversial and raise the price" campaign is that a lot of former Coca-Cola drinkers find that generic cola drinks aren't bad.
14. Unless your product is exclusively for some sort of minority lifestyle choice, avoid associating it with any specific lifestyle choice. People avoid buying things they associate with people they don't want to be like. They may give you credit for niceness if your ad for children's play clothes features a child in a wheelchair or even a child wearing glasses, but they'll buy the clothes modelled by a child in perfect health. Most men don't want anything worn or used by a male model shown touching another man, either--they don't want to invite that kind of attention. Relatively thin women don't buy things they've seen modelled by fatter women. Some people in their thirties even avoid things they've seen modelled by people in their sixties. And you do not want to put a spokesman for anything as controversial as, say, choosing not to homeschool when the choice was available, at the front of an ad campaign.
15. Music or words. Not both. Never, never, never keep a drum beating in the background while someone brays about your product. It sounds so much like an old-school used car advertisement that it would turn me off even an old-school used car dealership. Music playing while the words you want to associate with the product appear on the screen makes the important statement that you're a polite, respectful company. People talking--normally, never loudly, never using the imperative mood--can help clear up any confusion shoppers may have expressed about whether the garlic paste in the tube is meant to go on toothbrushes, on sandwiches, or both. But choose between words or music.
