Not much time online today...
Animals
Those who read Spanish may like this cat and poetry blog.
Hubris, Corporate
Now it's Google where somebody imagines that failing to post my comments on other people's blogs is going to persuade me to let Google install more cookies on the laptop. Will not happen. I just wanted everyone to know that I visited all the blogs that participated in the Feline Friday link-up, whether or not a comment went through. I'm guessing several bloggers visited the last Petfinder Post and their comments didn't go through either. Cheers. Stick to your guns. No cookies for Google until Google gives up this stupidity.
Music
I'm not sure...some sort of musical drama.
Tom Petty.
Music with Relationship Advice
Tim McGraw indulges in typical, emotionally abusive, male gaslighting:
Oh, he's so earnest! So full of that hypothetical soul she thought he had when she married him! So innocent! So tenderly pleading that he can't understand why she has to be angry all the time! Any woman who listens to this song just has to want to give him a sweet little pat with a 2x4 plank...
Boys. You may be fifty years old, a lot of you do this when you are about forty years old, but you are acting from the part of your brain that is four years old. You are acting as little boys. You are playing games to defend your ego from having to learn and change. Nobody should ever let you get away with it for one second.
If she's "angry all the time," she might just have major PTSD from having survived a hatecrime, but if that were the case you'd probably know it. No. More likely you are annoying her all the time.
So here is what you do, boys. This is hard, it is painful, it is very frightening, we understand you feel afraid to do it. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Sit down and write down the words your wives said when you started telling yourself that they were "angry all the time" and it wasn't about you. It was about you. You may find yourself writing some general, all-purpose terms of verbal abuse that don't refer to any specific thing (other than throwing back some of the hostility you threw at her), but persevere until you come to ten specific things you did or failed to do that she mentioned when she was expressing anger.
Your assignment is to work on those things. If you get to the end of the first list, start over and see if you can't remember ten more things.
Do not say one word about her. You know nothing about her. What you think you know is blinded by a sewer full of toxic ego-defense nastiness. She is a vast cosmic mystery of awesome perfection to which you can only blink up through your sewage-filled eyes. Focus on you for a change. What you said. Wht you did. What was so wrong with you.
When you're throwing out generalizations about her being "angry all the time," boy, a lot of things are wrong with you. You have some hard, heavy, scary work to do. While you are doing that work, you must keep yourself from blurting out any of those ugly judgments about her, even the ones that you think sound sweet and loving. She is not angry, or if she is you wouldn't be able to know it. You are annoying. You are a source of anger. Chances are that anyone who loves you less than she does would find you absolutely unbearable. Deal with it.
Because you have these horrible tendencies toward emotionally abusive behavior,. this judgmentality, this dishonesty, these sick ego defenses, you need to spend some time living with the presupposition that she's right and you're wrong, about everything, all the time. Kill that sick part of yourself, that thing that defends your loathsome behavior, dead.
You are a thing. Think of yourself as her thing. You exist only to atone for the disgusting things you've done and said. Shut off your ego defenses and practice penance, medieval style. If she once mentioned the bathroom floor, keeping that floor clean enough to eat off is your job. If she complained about waiting on you, be sure that you're always the one waiting on everyone else in your household. If you were supposed to have bought something for the family and you spent your money on yourself, duh, you know all the money in your household belongs to her. If she throws an iron skillet at you and it happens to be full of boiling oil, you deserved it--say "This thing thanks Your Grace for helping this thing to suffer for its misdeeds." Don't try to be funny about this, either. Nothing is ever funny, and you must not allow yourself to smile, until she laughs.
Suffer. Like she's been doing for all these years when you just sat there defending the toxic infection that is your ego, whining that you didn't know why she was angry all the time. Lean into the pain the way you'd lean into a scalpel lancing an infection. Let that horrible, slimy, stinking ego ooze out. Wonder how you were able to keep breathing with such filth inside you. Stand in awe of anyone who could bear to look at you, or touch you, or smell you, while you were walking around with that stuff inside you. Try to get it all washed out with disinfectant. Let the burn clean your sick mind.
Eventually, if you do this sincerely, she'll tell you what you need to do to restore love and good will to your home, and you'll have a viable relationship again.
Do not expect it to be easy.
Do not expect to be able to keep one tiny scrap of that feeling that you were right and she was wrong.
Do not expect that you have any right ever to feel like the leader in your home again.
The surprising thing is that, after you have spent a few years living with the reality that you are wrong and you are to blame and if you had a thought in your head you shouldn't have given it any attention, because you exist only to serve and obey, people--including your wife--may start to think you are a decent human being after all. Try not to give too much attention to this. You are not worthy of any kind of leadership position but, if you know how unworthy you are and practice self-abnegation continually, your family may start to want to follow the spiritual light that radiates through you.
Not that any well-preserved middle-aged woman who has to give this kind of advice to somebody's idiot husband every month or so can ever imagine how your family will ever see any spiritual light in you. They have had an opportunity to see something in you that was lovable. We have not.