This Week's Funny Post: Euphemisms

The Washington Post reports that the Center for Disease Control has been asked to avoid using seven overworked trendy words: “transgender,” “diversity,” “fetus,” “vulnerable,” “entitlement,” “evidence-based” and “science-based.” . The Post reporter was reminded of Georges Orwell and Carlin. 

I was reminded of the annual lists of trendy words that Matt Groening deemed worn-out and unfit for use in the new year, for several years in the 1980s and 1990s.

Anyway, the Post is currently calling for creative substitutes for these words, for those who can’t get the concepts out of their minds...

Transgender: Confusion-oriented.

Diversity: Multiethnicity. That’s not a funny word—well, it’s not a particularly funny concept. However, Washingtonians might appreciate “Adams-Morganness.”

Fetus: Disease control is one of the few valid reasons for talking about fetuses. However, if people get tired of that word, “prenate” is a logical synonym.

Vulnerable: Alive. The squick factor for the word “vulnerable” comes from the implication that any other living creature isn’t, which is not true. If you want to talk about relative risk, talk about the specific risk factors for the hazard you have in mind.

Entitlement: Handout addiction.

Science-based: If it’s not fact-based, then it must be faith-based, so “Humanistic” would probably fit.

Hmm. Would any funnier euphemisms like to be proposed to amuse you Gentle Readers?

Well, it wasn’t meant as a euphemism so much as a freestanding joke in its own right, but I’m particularly fond of Real Twit @JanelleCShane ’s new mythical bird, the Iceland Reedhaunter. According to a Twitter exchange, this is a rather alarming bird that lurks in murk near sites of volcanic activity, makes a noise like a geyser about to spout, and bites people who failed to buy books for Christmas. This web site thinks Amazon should make JanelleCShane an offer. And those of you who failed to order a book from this web site before Christmas should order one now. Here’s a suggestion:

These are real bird stories, and although some real birds have been known to bite, the danger here is that if you start reading about them you may become a birdwatcher. Now ten euphemisms...

Gratingtude: Subtle people-repellent effect of Pollyanna-ism. No adult likes to stand around a child’s hospital bed and meditate on the thought, “If this silly child is glad her leg is broken, would she like to have the other one broken too?” So visitors go away, and the child who has uttered effusions of gratingtude can go back to looking at porn under the sheet. “Gratingtude” would be a euphemism for “I can’t staaaand that obnoxious, preachy, pious fraud of a spoilt brat...”

Urban Kittens: Creatures that like to scamper and snuggle and are found in catless apartment buildings. Rats, mice, and roaches.

Arlington Book Sale Look: The Arlington (Virginia) Library Book Sale is, or at least used to be, a celebration of competitive used-book hunting. Completely ignoring the traditional courtesies people hasten to learn upon moving to Northern Virginia, booksellers shamelessly breathe on and reach around one another. Body-checking is banned, but boxes and bags can be pounced on, books on shelves can be snatched from out from under another shopper's hand, and anything that discourages others from getting too close to one in a nonviolent way can be used to gain a competitive edge. I’ve watched other women make up their faces to look as if they had high fevers, and heard men mention having eaten beans and cabbage as preparation, while I was munching my fresh garlic clove as we waited outside the door...So, the Arlington Book Sale Look is a euphemism for flushed cheeks, pale lips, and baggy eyelids.

Com-Pet-itiveness: You have a sister who, through no real fault of her own, is prettier and more popular than she even wants to be. When she mentioned early in December that she thought an indoor fish tank would be fun, her admirers brought in a total of 43 little fishies. Now you’re starting to overhear conversations like “That fish looks smarter and livelier than the other fish, doesn’t he?” This lunacy can only be called com-Pet-itiveness.

Public-spirit-challenged: Descriptive of people who spit and litter, people who post Nazi or Communist or ultra-goody-goody or otherwise obnoxious content on social media, people who hire other people to work for two minimum-wage hours in the middle of the day and suggest that they look into food stamps as an option for stretching their salary, and similar low life forms.

Ideal candidates for the next manned space probe: Synonym for the above.

Trumpzone: Believe it or not, young people, in the 1980s “grab them by the [sensitive body parts]” was a popular figure of speech meaning something like “manipulate them through intense, sensitive emotions,” or “Yuppie-type employees will actively work to conform to all my other tastes and opinions after hearing me say ‘You’re fired’ several times.” (“Got them by the short hairs” was a polite gender-neutral form and I seem to remember having used it...it was the 1980s.) However, in honor (not!) of the age-related insensitivity Trump showed by continuing to use this out-of-favor slang, why not use “Trumpzone” as a euphemism for sensitive gender-specific body parts?

Cheeseball: (1) A confection, either sweet or savory, of cheese, nuts, pepper, honey, and other allergy triggers, eaten by dipping it up on wheat crackers, thus guaranteed to be completely indigestible for 90% of all party guests. (2) A person who brings (1) to a party. (3) A person who has no reason to live.

Free Day Labor: Program that could (and should) displace all tax-funded financial aid to able-bodied adults, and simultaneously solve the immigration problem and destigmatize poverty. All seekers of financial aid would be required to report to the Free Day Labor Office for at least 40 hours per week, during which they’d be available to do any unskilled labor that anyone cared to let them attempt. No clock-in, no handout. Free Day Labor would be not merely a euphemism, but an actual upgrade, for welfare cheats.

ROUMALG: “Rocking (the) old, ugly, messy, Americans lambaste glamour.” Or, “I’ll never look as good as everybody on TV and social media seems to look, so why should I even put on clean pajamas.” Descriptive of the writer over the holidays, yes, but now I’m back on the job.