At Messy Mimi's blog, a fictional character said there must be a country song about someone whose self-driving truck ran off and left him. Here it is, complete with irregular rhythm and at least one really painful not-quite-rhyme, as required by the genre. So what was the guy's problem? Maybe alcoholism was the worst of it (real alcoholics can get a deadly addiction spiral going on what seems like moderate consumption of beer), and the truck's desertion was where he hit bottom? How much sense do comedy country songs have to make, anyway? Hank Williams had a gas station owner chasing a lovesick customer who was only trying to be funny with a monkey wrench...
Jaydon Jeremiah Brocklehurst Tate
Said he lost everything but weight.
All his life he was a born loser.
He'd tell you all that you could stand to hear
About the things he'd lost, and he'd cry in his beer,
Because, whatever else he was, he was a boozer.
CHORUS:
Losing everything but weight
Has always been ol' Jaydon's fate.
His parents never were rich, but he is a great deal poorer.
All the girlfriends he ever had,
Every one married some other lad,
And men back away, too, because Jaydon is a natural-born loser.
He said, "My dog ran off, and my cat did too,
And my girlfriend texted to say we were through,
And my self-driving truck was found out of gas in Nacogdoches,
And on my last job they told me I could call it 'retired'
But if I came back I was gonna hafta be fired,
And the truck said my house was the place that was full of roaches."
He said, "I won fifty thousand on a lottery ticket,
All trickled away like a leak in a spigot,
Which was where a lot of it went, while I tried to fix.
My job put forty thousand in the bank.
Everybody rolls it out just like turning a crank.
I said "Have I got sixty thousand dollars?" They said "You've got six."
He said, "My life is like a country song
Because everything is always going wrong,
Although I have spent my entire life in a city."
His uncle said, "Might as well work on the farm;
It's not going to do you any more harm.
Even with good luck, city living is a shame and a pity."
He said, "If I get on a tractor,
I'd be sure to fall and get a fracture."
Uncle said, "That's why we'll start you on a terrace with bales of straw."
Jaydon said, "If I tried to milk a cow,
She'd kick me out in front of a plough."
Uncle said, "Go feed the chickens, and let's hear no more of that jaw."
Poor old Jaydon struck it lucky
When he moved back to the country
'Cos at least the rate he was losing money slowed way down.
A woman agreed to see him twice
When he made a little profit on rice,
And he says he's never going back to town.
LAST CHORUS:
Now he's lost a little weight
Jaydon looks and feels just great.
He can work off the calories in a good country dinner.
He lost some money last year on corn;
He'll get it back, just as sure as you're born,
'Cos without the beer Jaydon is starting to be a winner.
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