LJ always was a glitchy site, but LJ's "draft autosaved" and "restore draft" features used to work...until today. I closed the window, expecting five hours' worth of links had actually been "autosaved." I'm not seeing them. I'm not seeing the button to open the draft file and resume using them, either. Sorry, Googlers...that's where the links from the blog feed, which include most of yours, have gone. It's also where the adorable animal photos have gone. I typed them once, I saved the text from the linked documents (not including the pictures) to my own Word file, I'm not typing the links and comments again.
I read these things--the first time--for me. I share them for youall. I might feel more conscientious about making sure they're available to you if I were seeing more e-mail from Paypal, relative to the stuff that screams "Read me first! Me first! Me first!", in the in-box. Frankly, when correspondents are making it clear that they don't care whether I live or die, that makes it hard for me to take any interest in whatever they're spewing into my in-box. Even if it's cute animal pictures.
I thought, well, at least I'd share the rest of the links that came in today...and then some lousy creep had to go and fill up a link with a horrible VIDEO that caused the whole computer to crash, and the Word file got lost.
This morning I left the house with $2 and change to live on until my next sale or payout, whenever that may be. Today's coffee cost $1.58.
YOU DID NOT SEND A PAYMENT. I did want, and plan, to give you at least one more blog post. Providence evidently did not agree that you ought to have that.
I'm not one of the "depressed" bloggers, and probably never will be. I am, as of this afternoon, quite likely the most discouraged blogger on Earth. This discouragement is a fact, based entirely on facts, so don't waste any time babbling about any emotions.
The absence of payments shows that you don't appreciate what I'm doing here anyway, so who gives a flying flip about your boring, stupid, patronizing, complacent-cow verbal garbage. Shut up and deal with the fact that YOU KILLED MY BLOG. (And, possibly, me; I have made a public pledge that the next time I run out of food and cash will be the last time, because I'm too old to keep doing starve-and-binge cycles to myself. As long as local people are spending five dollars at a time, if that, on things I'm able to offer for sale in the real world, I can't commit to eating for even one more week, which certainly is not conducive to any genre of writing but blogging. When I go home today, if I reach home without receiving a cash payment, I'll have some time to enjoy puttering around the house...but I've vowed to wait until I see the cash to support a decent lifestyle for a year before I eat again.) If you want it, YOU, nobody else but YOU, needs to fund it.
As you already know, I don't want and won't take any "need-based" handouts. If I'm not earning a living from things I do, then my useful life is over. Emotions are not a factor; I enjoy being alive and I enjoy writing. Health is not a factor; I enjoy excellent health, and as long as I'm able to support it by eating regularly I intend to maintain excellent health. I'm in the perhaps unusual position of having absolutely everything I could want, given that my favorite people are already long dead, except money. The sole factor determining how long I continue to live and write is how much I'm being paid for it. I'm not currently being paid enough to continue living and writing. Attempts to distract attention from this will not help you, me, or anyone else. Focus on the one useful thing you need to think about: YOUR PAYMENT FOR WHAT YOU HAVE ALREADY RECEIVED FROM ME.
I am very, very, very, very, very tired of repeating this--to you, or to myself.
I am very, very, very, very, very tired...not even so much of not eating because I'm out of cash and groceries, so much as doing that and then readjusting my body to eating again afterward.
I would have liked, after putting my blog on a pay-per-view basis, to have given everyone time to mail out real-world payments instead of having to make payments online...but that's in the hands of Providence, and it doesn't seem to be happening.
If you repeat the following prayer out loud a few times, it's possible that I'll be online again. Do not alter the words of this prayer:
"O [insert name and obligatory salutations to whatever you pray to here]. Please shut off the sputter of 'but...but...but...' that I've allowed to run through my head when I ought to be paying for something I've received and am not being forced to pay by physical fear. Please clear all emotions and thoughts of emotions out of my brain and allow me to absorb the idea that other people's difficulties are real, solid facts having nothing whatsoever to do with emotions. Please send the writer known as Priscilla King a real-world sale this evening, so that she will come into town in time to receive my payment tomorrow. Please erase the irrelevant chatter from my mind and force me to send a payment to this writer now. Please do not allow me to eat food, or drink water, or close my eyes to sleep, before I have paid for what I have received from this writer. Please do not allow me to add a single word to the message, 'Here is my past due payment for your work,' before that message has been received. Please, please, O please, heal my hypocrisy and allow this writer to forgive me for it. Please move my hands and body, even if you need to disable part or all of my brain, to get that payment to this writer this very minute, flooding my brain with the sole thought 'Please may I be forgiven for having put this off for so long'. Please keep me repeating these words until the money has been transferred from me to the writer known as Priscilla King."