Bad Poetry: Get a Grip on That Grin

Bad Poetry: Get a Grip on That Grin

Some people apparently wonder: “During a crisis, how can people find the time to notice, much less post about, trivial details? Don't they realize that people might be dying?”

My guess is that the people who quibble and bicker on social media during a crisis are well aware that people might be dying—that they're staying online to watch for news from or about some specific people in the disaster area, and criticizing some celebrity's response is the online equivalent of pacing the floor.

During Hurricane Harvey, it occurred to people to wonder about celebrity author and preacher Joel Osteen, an unusual-looking young man known for the sort of toothy grin that looks as if he learned to do it to distract attention from the rest of his face. Was his church safe? Apparently the water rose high enough to befoul the church's basement before it began to subside. What about his home(s)? He's rich; he ought to know a lot of people in Houston, Texas, personally since they call him “Pastor.” How many of his flock were safe and dry in the ample spare roomage of his huge, posh houses? Nobody mentioned...any? Rrreally. A preacher of the Gospel lets members of his church go to shelters while unused rooms in his house...etc. etc. etc.

I was thinking “Who cares? What about my cousin in Houston?”...but somehow I kept scrolling through the quibbles about Osteen and about what our First Model chose to model on her trip to Houston, too.

In one Osteen story on The Blaze, the photos displayed Osteen's toothy grin, water lapping at the door of the church basement, and aerial views of two relatively high and dry houses. The Blaze naturally attracts flames, and some commenters were vicious about Osteen and his teeth.

In an Osteen story The Blaze displayed later, photos included one of Osteen looking serious, suitable to the occasion, and explaining that after confirming that the church was above water he was starting to pack in the parishioners. I didn't stay there long enough to see whether the same people would post nasty comments about Osteen's face, eventually, but in the comments I did see, people were kinder to a serious-looking image of Osteen than they were to a grinny one.

Here's to more real smiles—and chortles—and fewer of the nasty fake ones. I didn't write these rhymes as a take-off on a specific 1940s song, although you're free to folk-process them to fit one. I do hear them as compatible with one of those bouncy, upbeat 1940s tunes. Variations in the Poetic Meter indicate where my mind's ear was hearing syncopations or even riffs in the jazz-band sound.

Folks were acting downright mean

To a grinny Joel Osteen;

When he's acting like he cares,

His teeth he no longer bares.

Here's the lesson we should heed:

When good will's what we want to feed,

We pull our teeth in, get a grip on that grin,

Let our eyes twinkle but don't drop that chin,

If you've ever told yourself to smile,

Tell your face to relax for a while,

Get a grip on that grin!

If someone's not your long-lost friend,

Why would you want to pretend?

You might seem less of a fool

If your greeting's smooth and cool.

A smile's no nicer than a pout

Till there's something to smile about.

So pull your teeth in, get a grip on that grin,

Let your eyes twinkle but hold up your chin,

You can't hide the unpleasant truth

Behind a little bubble of spit on a tooth!

Get a grip on that grin!

Oh, how can anyone forget

That a shark is no one's favorite pet?

Any animal's apt to bite

When its teeth are out in the light.

If you want to be a teacher

Don't look like some rabid creature,

When you find young children darling

Don't look like a possum snarling,

To impress a snobby waiter

Don't look like an alligator,

And if you want someone to feel amorous

Stay cool and glamorous, not clashing and clamorous!

Get a grip on that grin!

To succeed at song or dance

Or have a chance at sweet romance,

Joy and pleasure you should feel.

It can't be forced; it has to be real.

If you start to tell yourself to smile,

Better keep moving on for another mile!

Pull your teeth in, get a grip on that grin,

Let your eyes twinkle but hold in the chin,

Take other people's woes seriously,

And your own mood swings—mysteriously!

Get a grip on that grin!