Recently this web site renewed a book whose target audience, the author said, are mostly extroverts. Right. Does that mean that a book addressed to them should ignore concerns about introverts? Hello? Probably most of the target audience are male; does that mean they can ignore concerns about women? Undoubtedly most of them speak English, in which the book was written; does that mean they don't need to think about people who speak Spanish?
I think it would be helpful for introverts to help extroverts understand the kind of social behavior that allows us to recognize and, in some cases, bond with one another...at least for those of us who've matured into appreciating our introversion and bonding with other introverts. I think we ought to offer them a few basic guidelines:
* People are introverts. If you've formed the habit of talking as if people were extroverts, break it. Because North Americans have been systematically miseducated under the influence of people who distrusted introverts and introversion, extroverts are the ones who really need to work on "people skills," as in the skills they need for communicating with us.
* Each person is different. Ask the people to whom you talk to help you overcome your obnoxious "outgoing" tendencies. Those tendencies include your self-serving bias toward thinking that you're a better, or nicer, or more likable person than someone else at times when you ought to be trying to learn the correct way to speak to that person. When you catch yourself lashing out against a misunderstanding with a harsh judgment on the other person, immediately back down, apologize, and affirm the truth of the situation: "I was being an obnoxious, judgmental, ungrateful jerk again. I don't know how you can stand me. Thank you for putting up with me."
* Understand what is really going on when you chatter at people. You're feeling that chronic repressed anxiety that probably does so much to shorten your life expectancy. You feel an urge to reach out and grab for control of the other person's attention. There are a lot of other lonely extroverts in the world and they may feel grateful when you display your teeth and vocalize at them. But an approximately equal number of people feel annoyed, so if your "smile and say hello" routine is not eagerly reciprocated, instead of going into your hateful judgment routine it would be more useful to remind yourself that these people are not your caretakers and are under no obligation to care how you're doing. If your craving feels unbearable, you might try asking for the other person's attention as a special favor to help you cope with your underdeveloped brain.
* If you always chatter when you pass people you like, and watch what you're doing when you pass people you dislike...understand that there are people who have a strong positive motivation to make it easy for you to dislike them, because we prefer not to be distracted by chatter and the gossip that goes with it ("S/He only just spoke to me in passing but s/he looked as if...").
* If people do give you attention, appreciate their kindness. You might want to grab for more control by "teasing" or finding fault with an introvert who talks to you. Don't. Say "Thank you for talking to me," "Thank you for listening to me," and "Thank you for putting up with me," often.
* Don't ask questions unless you want a real answer. "How are you?"--"Fine" goes right up to the limit of conversations people are willing to recycle. Real conversations are exchanges of fresh thought, which means they may move more slowly than extroverts' gabfests. Take time to make sure you have fresh new ideas to offer to everyone who gives you an opportunity to talk.
* Real answers take time, Resist the urge to shove yourself down the other person's throat, while s/he is thinking of the right answer to a valid question, with non-questions that merely annoy people.
* If you catch yourself grunting, "Huh? Huh?" at someone who is thinking about how to explain something to you, your best move would be to try to turn it into a cough, excuse yourself, and go home.
* You may feel encouraged to keep talking when others interrupt you. People feel that you're refusing to listen, insisting on doing all the talking, when you interrupt them. (And they may be delighted to let you do all the talking...because they're no longer listening.)
*You may find other people's lives the most fascinating of all topics for conversation. People think speculation about other people's affairs is obnoxious. Try to talk about facts and ideas rather than persons. Try to avoid mentioning anyone's name if the person is not part of the conversation--or if anyone else can hear it.
* If people have heard you talking about someone who's not present, do not expect those people to like, trust, or respect you. If you've vented any ideas about any third party on a job, expect people who have heard you to dislike, distrust, and disrespect the whole company that employs you. Even among your officially designated peer group at school, understand that saying anything like "I think Jack likes Jill" or "I heard that Lee's turned against Tracy ever since Tracy got the job/promotion/award" is the social equivalent of diving into a dumpster.
* You may think that gestures and mumbles of agreement assure people that you're listening. People see gestures and hear noises as interruptions. If you find people minimizing what they say to you, understand that your "I'm listening" activity has convinced us that' you don't listen and are therefore not worth speaking to,
* All people (even extroverts) tend to "like" people who they believe are like them. That's why English uses the word "like" in those two different yet related ways. Introverts are conscious of the differences between "like" and "love" and "respect" and "wish well" and so on, and we don't actually like very many people, even other introverts--but many of us are more likely to go further out of our way to help people we don't particularly like than extroverts are to help people they do claim to like! Try, as best you can, to move beyond thinking about "like." People don't have to "like" someone in order to treat that person fairly, or generously.
* Accordingly, people don't have the emotions of "liking" or "disliking" about every thing, place, or person we notice. Don't bother your head about "Do you like it/me/him/her/them?" when you've asked an introvert for an opinion (and probably received a response like my husband's classic answer to the question whether Bill Clinton had seemed presidential at Georgetown, "He was very tall"). People often notice a lot of details before we start to have emotional reactions to them. If you really prod for emotional reactions you might get a long, long list of things the person liked or disliked about e.g. a place the person just visited...but you'll be less annoying if you accept that "I was in Florida; it rained; I visited my grandmother," without an overall emotional statement the person does not in fact feel, is the answer to "How was your vacation?"
* Remember Sesame Street's "Name That Feeling" feature? Naming feelings was a childish thing that it's generally good for adults to put away. As an extrovert you might feel one or another of four "primary" feelings, over and over. Introverts feel different mixes of the basic emotions for everything that moves us to an emotional reaction. The analysis of exactly what we're feeling, and why, may take an hour or more. It's more efficient to talk about thoughts rather than feelings.
* Unless you're talking to very close mutual friends, or have been asked to give someone a message, do not mention any other private person by name. If you do get into an actual conversation, say "Someone gave me a recipe that I've not tried yet, that called for...", not "Tracy Smith gave me a recipe, do you know Tracy Smith..."
* You might prefer to go anywhere with anybody rather than spend a weekend alone at home. We do not. We like doing things with just one or a small group of other people who actually work together in synergy; we don't like just being in a big crowd surrounded by a lot of noise.
* Our difference from you is not going to change. Not ever. We can and do learn to make speeches, make introductions, make invitations, and all those other "social skills" that were probably hard for us to learn, at first, because we were being taught an extrovert way of doing those things. A socially poised introvert has not "become more outgoing," any more than a man who learns to change diapers "becomes more motherly" or an athlete who excels in a sport of foreign origin "becomes more like" the people who invented the sport. People are not extroverts and don't want to be.
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