Happy Bastille Day, French readers...
Most animals who bond with humans learn to understand very few words, if any. A dog who wants very much to please you will make the super-canine effort necessary to learn a dozen simple command words like "sit" and "stay," but since dogs' brains are long on instinct and short on memory, that's a lot for the average dog to learn. Most cats have excellent hearing, but some seem not to hear the range of pitches that include most human voices. (Some cats probably really do hear what a woman or child says, but not what a man says.)
All animals' behavior is subject to whimsical "translation" in blogs or satirical writing, of course, but only a few animals consistently recognize enough words that talking out loud to an animal makes sense in real life. In my experience one or two percent of all cats, maybe five percent of dogs and horses, and many birds of some breeds and species and almost no birds of others, are what I'd call Listening Pets. It's not quite the same as being intelligent; chickens are often Listening Pets; pigs, who have much more practical intelligence, are not.
What not to say to a Listening Pet is what people are stereotyped as saying to pets that don't listen closely enough to understand the words. You don't want to tell a Listening Pet about your problems. I tried that, just once, with my first Listening Cat, and she couldn't stand it. She patted my mouth with a soft paw. Here was her human, obviously unhappy, pouring out words that made no sense to her. Whatever the trouble was, she couldn't do anything to help, and that distressed the cat more than my problem distressed me.
That cat didn't like it when I talked on the telephone, either, or even when I sang. She accepted that I had conversations with other humans that she couldn't follow, although she tried, but when I was alone with her she wanted me to talk sense.
If you live with a Listening Pet it's good to choose your words carefully., Actually, even "I want to kill Tracy!" is less dangerous than "I don't like you doing this, Fluffy," or "I'm not going to live with this behavior, Fido." Listening Pets understand "I don't like you..." and "I'm not going to live with this...," and the next time the door's open, out into the stormy night they run, off to seek their fortune in the cold cruel world, because you don't love them any more. You said so. They heard you. '
Listening Pets learn the words for things they fear with horrifying speed. They figure out "kill." They probably can understand that they're not expected to kill Tracy for you. If that's what you want, they'll leave the doing up to you. But you never know. If you must vent your anger, be mindful about saying "I want to slap Tracy," or better yet "Tracy annoys me."
Since what you want to say to a Listening Pet is limited to information your pet can use, there may be some relief in knowing that you don't have to talk to a Listening Pet constantly. They don't chatter as much as we do. Most of the time a routine greeting is all they expect to hear.
But here is a longish list, if you're feeling lucky, of words Listening Pets can usefully learn. (Obviously you can adapt the list to any language.)
1, Animal's individual name.
2. Animal's species name. "Cat," "you cats," "bird," "you birds."
3. "I" and "me."
4. Individual names of other members of the household.
5. "Here." As a command this is unnecessary with animals who are very fond of you and/or think your purpose in life is to carry around food treats. Your greeting to one animal brings the whole pack (flock, herd, pride) running. If that's not the case, knowing the word "here" might save the animal's life someday. Not that animals necessarily are thinking about silly games like listening to human noises if they are trying to escape from a burning building, but sometimes "here" spoken by a familiar voice gets through.
6. "Home." This is a hard one for many animals unless someone else is waiting to reward the animal when, or if, it thinks of the unimaginable possibility that you're telling it to move away from you. Cats seem especially likely to think that, if you're talking to them, you want them to be within a yard or two from your knee.
7,. "Floor." (for cats and birds), or "sit" for horses and dogs). Cats and birds have many other options for sitting, so I say "sit on the FLOOR" to emphasize that I'm not asking them to sit on the fence, or my head.
8. "Still." Not that most animals can sit still for very long, when they're awake, but trying can help them calm down. Some people think it's cute to teach a dog words like "play dead." With a Listenng Pet this could lead to problems; eventually someone will say that the battery's dead, or Queen Anne's dead, or some such thing. I went to school with a couple who trained their dog to lie still on the cue "Are you ready to die for your country?" but a Listening Pet, who will learn words like "die," might get the wrong idea,
9. "No." Observe the mother animal and imitate her growl, Use in situations involving shoe chewing, rough play, straying, etc.
10. "Kibble," or whatever the animal eats. If you think "food" ought to be the word, think again. Do you want to risk confusion about whether you mean what the animal eats or what you eat?
11. "Box" or whatever the animal's safe space is. In tense situations, such as going to the vet, it can be good for an animal to think of its box as a safe space. Even "bed." I used to know a dog who was not altogether free from all bad habits, but people thought he was, because his human watched for signs that he was about to misbehave and gave the command "get into bed"" in time to save the moment. "Isn't that a clever trick, the way that dog stops whatever it's doing and 'gets into bed'!" Yes, and if the clever human had been a few seconds late saying "get into bed," the dog would have made a territorial display like dribbling on your shoes.
12. Names for specific objects that are very relevant to the animal: leash, comb, water, medicine. The more relevant the object is, the more reliably the Listening Pet will learn what you call it. Several cats who've lived with me could give a reliable answer to the question, "Do you think charcoal would help?" (Food-grade powdered charcoal is a safe, effective occasional remedy for acute food poisoning.) On the other hand, however convenient you may think it would be for the animal to understand words like "phone," "keys," or "flashlight," my experience suggests that only Rin-Tin-Tin and Lassie ever figured out those words.
13. "Object," as a general name for objects that aren't relevant to the animal. I've never had to point to something I couldn't reach and say "fetch this object," but I believe that would have more chance of getting the object than trying to teach words like "keys."
14. "Friend" or whatever you call people and animals that your Listening Pet doesn't know, but you do. Your body language is what tells the animal that the mail carrier, your grandparents, the building inspector, the house wren, or Tracy who lives with the animal your pet doesn't like, should be treated with respect. If, however, your pet does respond to "friend," there's a chance that Friend Plumber will be charmed enough to forgive the animal for trying to eat his shoelaces.
15. Cues for tricks the animal learns to do on cue.
16. "Would you, please." This is especially useful in situations like transporting or medicating cats, who are naturally likely to be in a bad mood. If you presumed to give a command they'd hiss "Make me. Go on, I dare you!" It's counterintuitive, because courtesy phrases seem likely to confuse non-Listening Pets, but Listening Pets recognize the mental attitudes expressed by "excuse me," "thank you," and "sorry," as well as "please." It is almost always productive to speak to a Listening Pet, after the first three months or so of its life, as to a social equal. Some Listening Pets accept a neurotic human who wants to be the "Mommy" and call them "the baby," but they know that's not exactly true. Our late Grandma Bonnie Peters once lived with a parakeet who learned to say several other words, often in ways that made sense, but only under terrible stress did he finally repeat "Mommy loves the baby bird."
17. "Soon." I didn't realize how useful this word was to me and Serena until the day I'd agreed to feed a friend's pigs. Their dinner was late, so at the sound of human footsteps they began squealing. "All right, all right! I'm here, I'm fetching your dinner out of the barn...you'll have dinner soon!" "Eeee! Eeee!" the pigs replied. "I said, soon..." I heard myself saying. The pigs had not learned to settle down and wait when a human promised to do what they wanted soon. But my cat had, and so had her kittens.
18. "In." Sometimes you want the animal to go into a place other than its box.
19. "Out."
20. "Good" or some alternative word that you use only when the animal's done something right. Listening Pets, more than other animals, seem to work at finding ways to remind you that they're good pets when that thought is not on your mind. After eating what you told them to leave alone, they remembered to go to the sand pit, instead of spitting it directly on your shoes! Good dog!
This post is brought to you by three of the most adorable adoptable cats in the Eastern States, though no claims are being made as to their being Listening Cats. Most cats aren't. But these cats do sound as if they may be cleverer and/or better listeners than average.
Zipcode 10101: Monica from New York City
Her web page: https://www.petfinder.com/cat/monica-65057692/ny/new-york/anjellicle-cats-rescue-ny488
They don't mention any particular intellectual feats, but they do mention that she's growing up to be a Queen Cat. She comes with her brother and loyal subject, Ross, in the back of the picture, which is probably where she'll keep him. When a Queen Cat uses control of humans' attention as a dominance display to impress other cats, the other cats may like you but they'll keep a distance from you. They will know better than to indulge in any displays of affection that might seem like competition with their Queen.
Zipcode 20202: Bush from D.C.
His web page: https://www.petfinder.com/cat/chester-65235194/ga/atlanta/fulton-county-animal-services-ga217/
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