Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Book Review: I Worship the Very Dirt She Treats Me Like

A Fair Trade Book

Title: I Worship the Very Dirt She Treats Me Like
        
Author: Josh Raphaelson
        
Date: 1992
        
Publisher: Shapolsky Publishers Inc.
        
ISBN: 1-56131-103-9
        
Length: 160 pages, with cartoons
        
Quote: “The story of a warm caring guy in a society of cold calculating women.”
        
Actually this is the story of two guys who are writing a novel about yet another guy, and all these guys are unlucky in love.
        
Not that it’s hard for the female reader to see why. These guys look for love in the wrong places, e.g. bars. They select women about whom they know nothing, on the basis of looks, including aspects of these women’s looks that ought to be warnings. After a few minutes of conversation with these strangers they’re ready to jump into bed. Then they wonder why, although they do meet women who will agree to jump into bed with them, in bars, these women are not sweet, sincere, honest, kind, generous, monogamous, or in any other way nice.
        
Guys can, in real life, do so much better than this. They can try being friends first...not in the sense of spending all their time around old childhood pals who feel just like sisters to them, nor in the sense of hanging out with women they find repulsive, but in the sense of containing those animal urges and acting like civilized human beings even in the company of women they find attractive. They can just say no to the bar scene and give themselves a chance to bond with people they’ve met while sober. They can look for women with low-maintenance hair, sensible footwear, and natural, unpainted-looking faces that show actual emotional reactions. They can actually stop the panting-and-drooling routine and play it cool for weeks or months, until the women start to wonder if they remind these men of their cousins or what. These behaviors may be considered oldfashioned in social circles that congregate in bars, but they work on warm caring honest monogamous women, who are more likely to be found in grocery stores, churches, museum committees, inner-city missions, dog parks, or anywhere else than in bars.
        
Our heroes are, however, drawn to women who have that preying-mantis look that the combination of lipstick, nylon, and hooker heels brings out in a girl. Some part of them has to  know that a woman teetering around on sharp spikes, with her toes all crushed together, is into pain and has a lot of it to share; that a gal who has to paint on a complete face mask is hiding more than acne scars. These guys want that quality in a woman. They are masochists. They want to feel that they’ve been chained, beaten, punctured, crushed, and burned by the terrible goddesses of their idolatry. They’re not ready for a serious real-world bond with a woman, which might lead to changing diapers and similar panic attack triggers, but they’re willing to compensate by worshipping the very dirt their sadomasochistic consorts treat them like. Funny little things, male brains.
        
This book is recommended to  people who are currently married to the same person they’d marry again tomorrow. At that stage in life it’s funny. People who are actually dating, especially as middle-aged widows or divorcees, are more likely to find it sad.



A quick Google search shows that several living people are online as "Josh Raphaelson," but does not make it clear which of them wrote I Worship the Very Dirt She Treats Me Like. Nevertheless, we will go with the assumption that the author of this book is still living, since he sounded young in 1992, and offer I Worship the Very Dirt She Treats Me Like as a Fair Trade Book. If you send $5 for the book plus $5 for shipping to salolianigodagewi @ yahoo.com, we'll conduct further research to find the author and send $1 to Josh Raphaelson or a charity of his choice.