A
skill I wish more people had is the ability to observe what other
people are doing without thinking that they are supposed to do the
same thing. "The ability to be outclassed" comes to mind.
Do things as well as you think they can or should be done. If someone
else does them "better," enjoy that person's success. If someone else does them "wrong," time will tell.
Why
conform?
I
see so much unhappiness among people who think they're meant to copy
someone else, when they are clearly not.
A
few years ago there was a lot of talk about the 'Rich Kids of
Instagram" who posted pictures of their things and their lives
that made it seem to their followers as if they were much richer and
much happier than their followers/
I
did not have a problem with people like that. I thought their blogs
weren't very interesting. A young girl invited me to follow her blog.
It wasn't even a blog, just a photo study of her clothes. We do not
live in the Victorian period when it was possible to tell by looking,
at least at women's clothes, which ones were expensive because
expensive women's clothes were so elaborate. I saw a girl who had
some clothes. Her clothes had a mass-produced, modern, casual look. I
supposed, when wailing about the Rich Kids of Instagram became a
thing, that they might have been expensive designer-label bits and
pieces, but I didn't recognize the labels. To me it
looked like a kid letting her parents know she was still at school,
though if her parents were like mine, I thought, they must have been
disappointed that she wasn't writing anything about what she was
studying or learning--only photographing her clothes.
It
never occurred to me that the girl's message to the world was "I
can afford this, that, and the other expensive piece of clothing, and
you can't." For one thing I used to be an expert on buying $200
outfits for under $10 from charity shops. For another thing the girl
didn't look like me, so why would I have wanted to dress like her?
Then
I see and hear people saying things like "I don't want to be in
a class, work, hang out, or whatever with that person. Person
has sooo much more skill and experience."
That's
precisely the person I would want to know, if I had
the opportunity. The person from whom I can learn something is the
most interesting person, to me, in any crowd. This has been the way
I've felt all my life, and it has led to some unpleasant
complications about now. It means that my favorite people have nearly
all been older than I am; now they're retiring, aging, and dying, and
I'm not ready to think about any of those things. But I have learned
a lot from people who were ahead of me on some learning path or
other. Would I rather be in a poetry seminar with Margaret Atwood, or
with the poor little old lady who sends a garbled gospel song to the
weekly poetry page in the newspaper? Atwood, any day.
In
college, it seemed obvious that one school friend, especially, was
miles ahead of me in every possible way people's talents and
achievements could be compared, one year. But she also made a couple
of very bad choices I didn't make. The second year I started hearing
that people thought I was a match for my brilliant, gifted, beautiful
friend. Ten years later there was no question: I'd passed her. She
had her way of looking good, and I had mine. She wrote her songs, and
I wrote mine. She might have been born with a greater talent, but she
spent much of her young adult life struggling with addictions while I
was using the talents I had.
And
so? Life's road wound on and on. As a teenager I thought of writing
and music as my talents. As a young adult I accepted the fact that my
musical talent is amateur quality, carefully stored a dozen or so
book manuscripts on the expectation that I'd be able to polish and
publish them whenever I felt mature enough, and achieved Success as
an entrepreneur. Now, after seventeen years of not replicating that
success, who knows, maybe my brilliant addicted friend has passed me
again. (I hope so; at least I hope she's more comfortable,
financially, than I am, and I still think her songs should have been
published at least on a web site.) As a once popular book title
said: Success is never ending; failure is never final.
We're mortal. We never do know everything.
One
early lesson that served me well, though, is not to burden myself by
wanting what other people have, or coveting it, or avoiding them
because I don't have what they have. Not to cut myself off from the
pleasure of working with them, though avoiding direct competition
might be a good idea.
A
"competition on looks" story comes to mind.
One
of my job descriptions, in my twenties, was "feminist activist."
At the time Washington, DC, did not have a rape crisis center, and
people felt a need for one. Advertisements for "singers,
actresses, and models" all in one ad were a recognized way to
recruit sales and fundraising teams without actually saying "Only
young and pretty women need apply." In my twenties I found it
profitable to bid on those gigs. So a mob of young and pretty women
were hired to raise funds to build the rape crisis center, and given
a fundraising quota for each day depending on the neighborhood we
were canvassing. Every day everyone struggled to make quota...except
a girl I'll call Patricia, because her real name was something
different.
In
a room full of professional pretty girls, Patricia stood out.
Blue-eyed redheads aren't supposed to have classic bone structure.
Patricia did. Women's hair is supposed to grow far enough to reach
some point on our upper backs, and then stop. Patricia's bright red
hair had never been cut and grew to about halfway down her thin
thighs. Her waist tapered, too. Patricia had been
homeschooled and had finished high school at sixteen. She was still
sixteen, and had never even had acne. Patricia had been sent to
Washington with nice clothes and a nice car. Clearly Patricia was a
person destined to go through life being envied, by people who didn't
see her as just existing on a different level from normal human
beings, which I did.
Inevitably
one day I was called in to the manager's office. "You barely
made quota two nights last week, and didn't make quota last night.
You've been making quota. What's wrong?"
I
knew exactly what was wrong. "We've been canvassing a hostile
neighborhood."
"Well,
Patricia's been in that neighborhood and she's been
well above quota."
How could she?
"Patricia is not a normal human being. Patricia is fabulous.
People would pay Patricia to stand on their doorsteps and recite the
multiplication table. That does not happen to the rest of us."
"Think
so? Well, someone you talked to last night just called in to make a
donation with a credit card. Quite a large donation. We know for sure
it was you because she said she talked to the pretty one with the
biggest, brownest eyes..."
It
was a nice flattering pep talk. It did not change the facts. All of
us were young and pretty. None of us could ever be
Patricia except Patricia.
So
the manager said, "Well, everyone's numbers are down, so tonight
we'll pull them up again. It's Halloween, a special day for some of
us, and we are going to Takoma Park."
At
the time I was living in Takoma Park. "Can my sister tag along
with me?"
"I
suppose so, since it's your neighborhood. Just for tonight."
This
sister was the one who really wanted to be the feminist activist, the
one who'd been sexually molested when she was eleven years old and
looked fifteen. Now she was thirteen and looked old enough to vote.
It was a problem. We knew men who were decent enough to try to
resist, but we never met a male between the ages of nine and ninety
who didn't react visibly to this sister. The other one got tired of
being told she was cute, or pretty, or a good model for whatever, but
for this one beauty was a real burden to bear, at the age when girls
are obsessed with their looks. Anyway everyone in the neighborhood
had noticed her; people were interested in her story.
So
we walked around our neighborhood. It was not a typical door-to-door
fundraising experience. Everyone wanted us to come in and sit down;
everyone wanted to hear the sister's testimony. People who chose to
live in Takoma Park were stereotypically generous anyway.
Sister
went to bed at her normal bedtime, it being a school night, and I
went back downtown with the mob for what I considered the total waste
of time where we all counted and re-counted everyone's take.
Quota
for Takoma Park was higher than usual: two hundred dollars.
Nevertheless, nobody seemed to have had any trouble making quota.
Patricia had as usual brought in several hundred dollars over quota.
So, that night, had I.
"Well, somebody
was listening to what I said this morning! Priscilla, tell us what
you did!"
"I
was with my sister. She wants this job. I vote we hire her."
I
had not yet researched the implications for the group's liability
insurance in allowing even Patricia, much less my sister, to run
around the city talking to strangerrs about sexual assault every
night. The manager clearly expected that I would. (Fun fact: one of
the ways my odd jobs service kept costs low was that, as independent
contractors, none of us bothered about insurance.) All I could think
about, at the moment, was that something unique in the history of the
world had happened. An ordinary human being had achieved a
fundraising feat comparable with Patricia's. God had dropped a gift
into the group's hands, and they were fumbling.
And
Patricia's perfectly beautiful face curled into a, yes,
an ugly sneer. "Tell your housemate we don't
do baby-sitting." Could it be? It was. Phenomenal
Patricia envied my sister.
I
had to quit that gig next week, anyway, because typing was picking
up. I expected to hear more of Patricia in a few years but, somewhat
to my surprise, she has not become a movie star and
I never did hear what she chose to do with her life.
I
hope she saw the futility, as well as the evil, of envy.
The
Bible doesn't say that it's anyone's duty to be or seem happy. The
Bible writers presuppose that people want to feel
happy, and often tell us things we can reasonably feel happy about,
but it never says that happiness is a duty. Happiness is a pleasure.
The Bible does command that people control one
"feeling." That feeling is not lust--the Bible never tells
single people not to enjoy sex fantasies for all they're worth,
although that is partly because the Bible was written in a culture
that allowed very few young people to stay single. It is not
depression--the Bible never tells us to be like Jacob, who said "I
will go to my grave mourning for my son," or not
to be like Jacob; it leaves that up to us. It is not even fear--the
Bible writers admit that there are things reasonable people want to
avoid, although they also tell us we don't need to
be afraid of Hell. The emotion the Bible commands us to avoid is
envy. Bible writers note here and there that people have reasons to
be sad, mad, or glad. And Hebrew words for those emotional states are
active verbs; though understood to mean things like "(You will)
be happy (about this)," they literally tell people "Rejoice!
Sing! Shout! Dance!" Hebrew is a very lively language. "Weep!
Wail! Tear your clothes with grief!" the Bible writers also
advise people to do, in passng reactions to less pleasant news. But
"Thou shalt not covet" is a commandment. Indulging in
envious thoughts is a sin like lying or blaspheming, like adultery or
murder.
If
we really think that what other people have are good things, we are
never commanded not to work for similar things for ourselves. This
applies to material things and also to talents and experience. Trying
to be "smarter than" or "prettier than" someone
else is a waste of time. Trying to use whatever talents we have, in
their own right, without fretting about what other people have, is
the ideal.
This
is starting to sound like a Sunday post, and it's not Sunday...but
there's my answer to the Long & Short Reviews question. I wish for
you, Gentle Readers, this happiness that I've found...from learning
to enjoy, not envy, what others have.